TESTIFY!

victory

Revelation 12:

10 And I heard a loud voice saying in heaven, Now is come salvation, and strength, and the kingdom of our God, and the power of his Christ:

for the accuser of our brethren is cast down, which accused them before our God day and night.

11 And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb, and by the word of their testimony; and they loved not their lives unto the death.

And they loved not their lives unto death.

I just cannot get over that. The ultimate test passed: that even when the threat of loss of this very life stared them in the faces, they still did not hold on to their lives. All so they

may overcome. All so they may have victory. Selah.

Death is not fun….. at least not fun by the grammatical definition of ‘fun’. Death is not pretty: made up with concealer on fleek, eye liner with the perfect ‘wing’, eye shadow with a captivating smokey eye effect, flawless skin, lipstick and hair in place, all tied up in a neat bow. Death is ugly. It is painful; gruesome even. Not enough adjectives can be used to describe exactly how it is. Death is just that, death. An end. But death, paradoxically, especially habitual death to self, is life. It is life for those who know what they are being won to. It is life for those who know the victory that lies beyond that death; a victory where the ultimate prize is life, and not only life, but life in abundance.

Disclaimer: Today we have a long one.

The first post on the blog, here, was a hard one for me. But it was also care-free. I could either succumb to the fear that purity would only be momentary before lust came knocking and I would answer or I would step out, accountability at hand, and just blurt it out, knowing that God is able to keep me constantly so that purity would no longer be (a thing that was) present in every area of my life except my mind. Christ said that if you look upon a woman and lust after her then you have already committed adultery with her in your heart (Matthew 5:28). The heart: The wellspring of life; Out of where all the issues of life flow – That heart. So whether or not it gets physical, you are already committing adultery. I had made that decision many times before, but this time, it was an either or. Either, complete and reckless abandon, believing and trusting that there is nothing that is impossible with God or nothing at all. It was hard, to believe that I did not have to do it myself. That I did not have to throw away my phone, donate my laptop, pray for all xxx sites to crash and burn, call my network provider to ban all access to internet, wear goggles that had barriers creating tunnel vision so I could only look forward, pray for amnesia to wipe out all memories of sexual scenes and bulldoze over that part of my brain that just wants to misbehave. I did not have to do it myself. I did not need to have a carefully planned out formula. I could be an active but passive party in all of this. I had(ve) Christ therefore I had(ve) grace.

It was hard, but it was easy. It was scary but it was simple. Months down the line and I have to say, I have seen God. He has kept my eyes on Him so much so that, only after a long time have I realized just how long it has been and how He has done it. He has shifted my gaze, not only from a battle with porn but from so many other things, and shifted it to Himself. Therefore, let us fix our eyes and Jesus, the author and perfector of our faith (Hebrews 12:2). This has brought on a new meaning, a new revelation, a new and practical experience, so much so that I am in awe. I have not had to claw my way through it. I have only needed to submit, and in that submission, allow God to do it. I have never felt more at peace not being in control. I have never felt happier being relegated to the sidelines as a spectator, watching God win, for me. That is not to say that I have no part to play in obedience. But truly, it is nothing short of a miracle. Some saw the red sea part with their very eyes. I see purity redefined with these very eyes. That is not to say that there haven’t been days when I have wanted to go back to the former things: when the present seems like the only moment and the urge of immediate gratification presents itself as the only option. But even in those, now infrequent moments, God has shone His light through The Word in such truth that only His Word and the victory for which Christ died on the cross and rose for is the only reality I perceive. Freedom is real. I have seen God work in and through me, even when I had no idea it was actively happening. I have been ‘clean’ in the past but somehow it would not last. But this time, I cannot help but remember words from Abel Chungu’s song, “I have tasted grace so sweet I can’t let go, once an awful mess, now pure…” I can’t let go because He has not and will not let go of me.

This thing that has kept rearing it’s ugly head on and off for five years now, is no longer a source of fear. This thing that waits for me to taste victory only to laugh in my face and mock me once it’s knocked me to the ground has finally met my Father and boy oh boy is it losing miserably! God is molding my heart and restoring it to Him. He is doing amazing things. He is healing my mind from things I didn’t even know existed. You know the thing about porn is that it has different effects on different people. I thank God that He spared me the physical response in that it did not lead me to strange fellows’ beds. But boy did it do a number on my mind! From perversion appearing normal to trust issues and the wretchedness of men being more glorified than the grace of God to save and sustain, to fear and providing the enemy with endless opportunities to sow tares in my mind (Matthew 13:25), to water them to growth until they took up more and more space pushing out the good seed which is the Word and everything He says that I am (Matthew 13:22). I could go on and on. Such deception, deeply rooted and I had no idea…..until God took over and I lifted my hands in surrender and asked Him to just do whatever He pleases because I give up….I give it up to Him…for real, not just optics and empty surrender. Thank God He is God: strong, victorious, faithful and more so, merciful. Thank God He is truth and that the entrance of His Word brings light (Psalms 119:130), shines truth, exposes the deception and orders it to take a hike. I am so happy and so grateful!!!!

So, why the long story? It is a testimony. All glory to God alone. It was not until a friend of mine asked the other day how I was doing on that front that I realized just how victory can get pushed to the back burner while all the ‘unaccomplished’, ‘imperfect’, ‘momentary’ battles push their way to the front of the line and block your view of God’s goodness. We never really do get used to victory. It feels like it has to be final to be ‘victory’. It has to be that all the ducks are in a perfect row before we say, “Look God has done it!!!” Lest we speak and stumble on the next step and then our former testimony is made of no effect. But the fear of future failure should not stop us from giving God glory for what He has already done and what He will continue to do. And if He has already done it on different fronts, it should ignite our hope that He will do it in everything else. For it is our Father’s good pleasure to give us the kingdom (Luke 12:32). We do not have to wait for everything to be fully sorted, with no chance of reverting, for us to testify. So although you may be in the middle or the beginning of the journey, as long as you have made it through this minute, and the next, and the next one, and this current one, and the next, all praise and glory is to God alone. And with every moment, when we surrender and give God everything, He does it and we have the victory. I may have many other months, moments and years to look back and say The Lord has done it. But I will still say He has done it now, because He has. I may fall short of His glory along the way, but still He says, He has done it, I have the victory. And those moments will not take away from the testimony He has already given me; from song that He has put in my mouth, even praise unto our God: many shall see it, and fear, and shall trust in the LORD!(Psalms 40:3) He is God, He is good, He is faithful and He has done it! So, testify! Shout it from the rooftops!

I dug up another one from the sort-of-archives….

Overcome

♫ ♫ We will overcome, by the blood of The Lamb and the word of our testimony, everyone overcome/
We will overcome, by the blood of The Lamb and the word of our testimony, everyone overcome…../♫ ♫
Is the song I keep singing/
Is what my mind keeps thinking/
But if I’m honest, I just don’t believe it/
Because every time I’m done, I find myself sinning/
Overcome-/
By the urge every time he wants to come over/
Overcome-/
By the thought every time I turn over – the tab/
Overcome-/
By the gross turnover of my unhinged desires/

The first time around was a slip/

But every time after I keep slipping deeper/

I am sleeping deeper-into the night/
And now not even the morning after can stop me from conceiving/
This sickening feeling – in my gut/
This pain from the vain pursuit of temporary sexual pleasures that keep driving me in sane/
These addictions that reel me in with their fiction of ‘only this once’/
Only to have me lying on the floor crying for forgiveness ‘this one last time’/

….. until next time/

When the pictures trigger my appetite to see more/
When the videos offer excitement to be more/
When more manifests tomorrow/
When more leaves my soul with a burrow/
A hole so deep I cannot climb out/
A fight so real, I keep getting knocked out/
Until I can barely stand but still say enough!/
To these addictions that reel me in with their fiction of ‘only this once’/
Only to have me lying on the floor crying for forgiveness ‘this one last time’/

….. until next time…/

Until the next time I fail/
Until the next time I derail this pursuit of purity/
When images of Purity are no longer enough and I want more/
I never knew a strong Wi-Fi signal would breed such a sore/
A wound so infected it threatens to have my very soul dissected/
Because I’m hot and cold and I refuse to gouge out my eye/
My hand, my I/
This self, this flesh that won’t budge/
That has me wearing sexual perversion like a badge/
Because every time I try to walk away, it gives me a nudge – back to reality/
Now I know too well that there is no such thing as free porn/
It all comes at a cost/
Souls lost, high rates of divorce,/
the list goes on and on/
But will I ever overcome?/
Will we overcome by the blood of The Lamb and the word of our testimony?/

And the more I wonder/
The more I wander /
This back and forth has me fighting for my life/
Running from the lie/
I’m like a rocking chair and every time I stop it’s a tie/
I am back where I started-/
Rolling in the deep waters at the end-/
Of my rope sending an SOS because I am walking on the ledge and I hope/
That if I skydive, I will land on that prime spot where grace is./

So Maybe we will/

Maybe we will overcome
Because I heard that by His will-I-am an overcomer/

Maybe we will
Because by the blood-spill-stained garment I don I am restored/

Maybe one day when I am frustrated, lusting or bored
I will turn to God for grace and strength, my weakness ignored/

And maybe that day….
No……
That day might as well be today/

So
I will not zip up/
I will not act tough,/
Pretend that I can do this on my own/
I will bruise my knees every time my flesh wants to bruise my peace/
To steal my joy and shackle me to the chains of immediate gratification/
Because I am called to more, I am called to eternal sanctification/
Where the old becomes the new/
And His view becomes my view./
I have made a covenant with my eyes/
That through them shall light come in and not lies/
I will grab another hand/
Not leave a pool of friends/
So I may never walk alone/
And though some may have let go/
Given up on me and taken a bow/
Two are still better than one/
And I trust that the One who holds me now/
Will lead me to the cross/
To the straight and narrow, Past this crossroads/
That I may overcome because/

♫ ♫ We are all overcomers,

Sin no longer has power,

For we have,

Captivated our thoughts,

And have honored the cost,

We have victory, His victory.//♫ ♫

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